BEAUTY FROM ASHES

Have you ever felt like you just want to give it all up? Or maybe there’ve been moments where you can’t see the light in that dark tunnel. You slowly start to feel the walls around you steal away the only oxygen you have left. Have you ever gone through a situation in which you honestly believe it’s the “darkest” moment of your life?

As far as I can remember, there’s only been two times in my life in which I literally felt panic, anxiety, and fear fully overtake my life. To the point where I could barely breathe. The most recent time, happened around a tough situation in my life. I had just finished with all of my online courses and exams. But, unfortunately, there was one last exam I had to take. This exam would determine whether I was ready to take the state board exam or not. As you can imagine, I was studying like crazy–night and day. I would stay up late till 4 am studying, then wake up a few hours later and study all day again. I kinda felt like a robot; but, it was the only way to get me ready for that exam. I knew of a few classmates who had already taken it and everyone said it was the hardest exam; passing the exam with a good grade was next to impossible. I had a coach who gave me modules to prepare myself for the exam. But when I told her that I felt ready to take the exam, she answered: “Personally, I wouldn’t take it if I were you. At least not yet. If you take it right now, you probably won’t pass.” I felt a little discouraged by her words, but I told myself: “it’s all or nothing right now; we have to take that leap.” There were moments where I could feel my body being physically and mentally drained from all the studying. Besides, I was also going through a personal and emotional roller-coaster with my family. Everything was just piling up.

The night prior to the exam, I felt so exhausted. I was worried that the next morning I wouldn’t concentrate well. And all these thoughts started to come in: “What if you don’t pass? You’ll be such a disappointment for everyone. For sure Coach Doane will tell you ‘I told you so’. If you don’t pass, you will have to repeat everything?! There’s definitely no chance of you passing. You need more time to study.” I slowly felt an outer pressure suffocate me; I sat up on my bed. I started pouring my heart to God. I couldn’t even find the right words to pray; I just cried and cried. But then I heard my phone vibrate notifying me of a friend’s post on social media—right at that precise second. It said: “Though the mountains may be moved into the sea. Though the ground beneath might crumble and give way. I can hear my Father singing over me: “It’s gonna be okay, it’s gonna be okay”. I felt such reassurance embrace me. The next morning, I went to meet my director to take the exam. As I sat there alone, facing a 180-question exam, I just kept thinking on those words: “It’s gonna be okay.” I said a quick prayer and I began to answer the questions one by one. I answered the last question. I clicked continue on the screen and I read: “99% of passing NCLEX.” WHAAAT?!  When my director saw my score, she screamed: “You passed! You passed! Congratulations, darling!” I started crying tears of joy; I felt so overwhelmed by God’s love and grace.

It doesn’t matter how many times we hear sermons on trusting God and letting Him take control; it doesn’t matter how many times we hear friends encourage us to leave it all up to God; it’s not until we get to experience it that we see what a joy and blessing it is to fully trust in God. As we go through trying days and anxious moments, let’s remember that we are placed in those situations to hold on to God’s hand and let Him carry us through. We will always have a stressful moment, but what matters is that we don’t let those circumstances rob us of fully experiencing God’s love in our lives. Don’t let an anxious thought deprive you of your “oxygen”. Though the mountains be moved; though the earth be shaken, God will never leave you.

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